10 Characteristics of a Great Listener

Good listening is an invaluable skill, benefitting every interaction, whether in personal relationships, professional settings, or casual encounters. While most people think they are good listeners, I would challenge that in today’s society. Today, we listen to react. We hear to formulate a response or attack because our biases are in play.

It takes much work to understand how to listen effectively, but more importantly, it requires that we are very self-aware and able to control our biases and emotions if the topic is heated. When we understand this factor, it is a game changer.

The following are ten characteristics of a great listener. While not exhaustive, it is a starting point:

1. Fully Present: Great listeners give their full attention to the speaker, minimizing distractions and avoiding the temptation to multitask. They are present now, making eye contact and showing genuine interest in what is being shared. This is an area where I often lose sight, especially when the tasks at hand are pressuring the timeline. It takes effort to be present.

2. Non-judgmental: Effective listeners approach conversations with an open mind. They avoid jumping to conclusions or judging the speaker, focusing instead on understanding the content and emotions conveyed. Today, the tendency I see in many areas of society is closed-mindedness driven by confirmational biases at work. We all need to recognize that we have biases, but It is up to us to confirm those and understand when they are appropriate or inappropriate to allow function.

3. Empathetic: By definition, empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. A great listener tries to feel the speaker’s feelings, offering understanding and support, even if they don’t necessarily agree with the speaker’s perspective.

4. Patient: Good listening requires patience. This means waiting for the speaker to finish their thought without interrupting, resisting the urge to formulate responses while the person is still talking, and allowing moments of silence to let the conversation breathe. Patience is never fun. When in a meaningful conversation, this is important. However, it is best to terminate the conversation and re-engage later when someone is just talking over you or babbling on without positive input.

5. Reflective: Reflective listening involves periodically summarizing or paraphrasing the speaker’s words to ensure understanding. This shows the speaker that they are being heard and clarifies the conversation. This is essential but must be used in moderation. Stopping the speaker multiple times to summarize or simplify the exchange can go south quickly. Wait for a natural break, then be reflective, not nit-picky.

6. Asks Open-Ended Questions: Instead of simply waiting for their turn to speak, great listeners use open-ended questions to delve deeper into the topic, encouraging the speaker to elaborate and share more. Too often, when we ask questions, they tend to solicit a simple yes, no, or single-word declaration which does nothing to advance that deeper dive into the topic.

7. Avoids Assumptions: Making assumptions can cloud understanding. Effective listeners seek clarification when in doubt rather than assuming they know what the speaker means. This is an innovation killer. Assumptions can trash valid information exchanges, especially when wrong or biased. Before responding, check your assumptions based on your values, principles, and vision to see if they are correct. If questioned, then kill it before it comes out of your mouth.

8. Controls Body Language: Non-verbal cues like nodding, maintaining an open posture, and mirroring the speaker’s emotions can communicate attentiveness and understanding. Conversely, checking one’s phone, looking away, or showing impatience can be off-putting.

9. Responsive, Not Reactive: A great listener will respond thoughtfully instead of immediately reacting to what’s being said, especially if they disagree with something. This might involve taking a moment to think, asking for more information, or seeking to understand the speaker’s perspective before sharing their own.

10. Values Confidentiality: Trust is crucial in any conversation. A great listener respects the speaker’s privacy by not sharing personal or sensitive information unless explicitly given permission. If there are inappropriate factors in the discussion, extract yourself from the conversation, especially if anything illegal is proposed. There are lines where it is no longer a matter of trust but rather enabling something detrimental to everyone around, then your values must prevail. However, remember there may be a cost to breaking that trust. Make sure you weigh the cost beforehand.

Incorporating these characteristics into one’s listening habits can foster meaningful connections, increase understanding, and elevate interaction, regardless of role or position. Remember that this list is not exhaustive, so be willing to learn from your mistake and adjust when you find a better or newer way to approach your listening habits.